As imagined by Deepak Gopalakrishnan, who tweets here.
As the time for the General Elections draws nearer, the usual problems come back to haunt the Election Commission of India – obscene party expenses, illicit liquor trade and Mani Shankar Iyer's mouth. Apart from all this, of course, is the perennial problem of voter interest.
"Last time, lots of factors encouraged voters to get out and exercise their franchise. Number one, Jaago Re. Number two… Uhm… er…", said Chief Election Commissioner VS Sampath.
This year, despite a highly entertaining political scenario, the EC remains worried.
"Much of the interest remains online – mostly articles where AAP and BJP supporters take potshots at each other. This online expertise and interest hardly ever translates to feet on ground, otherwise we'd be have the world's best cricket team right now," sneered an official of the Election Commission.
When pointed out by our reporter that plenty of people had bought AAP brooms and caps which was reflective of feet-on-ground change, the EC office bearer mentioned that the only thing this was reflective of was the increasing comfort level Indians these days had with eCommerce.
In any case, to spice up the elections, the EC has called on a man who knows a thing or two about adding masala – Lalit Kumar Modi.
Modi's charge (er, no, N. Srinivasan – not that kind of charge) will involve making the General Elections seem larger than life, sexy, involve even those who are apathetic to politics and by strange logic, make money.
Modi is evidently thrilled at his new assignment.
"It's an honour to take a sacred institution such as elections and turn it into a cheap circus. Something I have vast expertise in, as you know."
When asked about the current allegations pressed against him and whether that would not impede his performing duties in his new role, he said, "Since when have criminal charges against someone ever stopped them from building a career in public office?" We had nothing to say to that.
Already, Modi has sprung into action, and has listed down some of the changes he intends to make. Some of those are:
1. Cheerleaders at polling booths: Every vote will be greeted with fireworks and a dance by pom-pom-toting ladies. Initially the plan was to get South African models, but due to budget restrictions, Modi took the next best alternative – Goa.
2. Renaming the drab-sounding 'General Elections': It will now be called The Premier of India League, a clever play on words of Lalit Modi's latest project. "We are still trying to sell the title rights of the tourn… I mean, elections."
Given the proximity of the current ruling party to the first title sponsor of the IPL, it might not be surprising to see the DLF Premier of India League.
3. The concept of political parties, which Modi calls 'Oh so 19th century', will be done away with. Instead, there will be the Ideology Franchise or IF (which kind of makes sense, thinking about it). These IFs will have modern-sounding names. The BJP will be the Saffron Right Wingers, the Congress will be called Gandhi XI, and the Aam Aadmi Party will be monickered the Renegade Sweepstars.
There was initially a plan to have the highest donor as the title sponsor of each franchise, but the proposal was met with quite a bit of anxiety and was lobbied to be done away with.
4. Branding and corporate presence: No venture of Lalit Modi's is complete without total and complete corporate milking. Among the various properties to be auctioned off will be booth space (which will now be called Brand Experience Zones) and the indelible ink finger marking – which will now be in the shape of a corporate logo.
5. Counting will be done in real-time on giant electronic screens. Booth hijacking by vandals will be called Strategic Time Outs.
6. Danny Morrisson will be commentating. This if nothing else, will ensure people run out faster.
7. If a party crosses the halfway mark, they will be said to have achieved a Maximum. If they win a seat, it will be called a Moment Of Success.
8. There will be various contests involving users – such as the person to make the fastest vote.
9. Those boring psephologists will be replaced in television studios by vivacious young belles who will interview the various candidates, asking highly pertinent questions that will shape India's political opinion, such as, "What did you eat for breakfast and who is your favourite Bollywood actress?"
10. There will be stylists so that our politicians look a little better decked up. Last heard, a women with a pair of scissors and measuring tape looked at Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal, shook her head and said, "Oh, dear me, no, this will not do at all!"
Towards this, Modi will release a book called "101 Styles For Aspiring Netas."
When asked what style credentials he had, Lalit Modi immediately replied: "They threw me out of the IPL and look what happened next with KKR’s cheerleader outfits!" Touche.
While many worry whether the Premier of India League (PIL for short, and that might not be a coincidence) will see 'horse trading' post, the genius of Lalit Modi had that covered as well. "There will be a transfer window", he said, adding a touch of class to an otherwise dirty activity.
Rahul Gandhi was asked for his opinion but all that he could muster was about how the PIL was note helping women's empowerment.